To Eric, I’ve been married to my hubby for fifteen years. He has a daughter. When she was eight years old, her mother and he got a bitter divorce. Unfortunately, shortly before my husband and I began dating, at the age of 19, her mother passed away unexpectedly.
She refused to accept our marriage or come to the following celebration of the wedding and her father’s fiftieth birthday. Aside from her nasty taunts, like sharing photos of her former family on social media to commemorate our first anniversary, I was totally ignored. I went to her wedding, but I felt like a social outcast.
She was unresponsive to any attempts to discuss it. I made the decision to give up on attempting to get in touch with her.
After a few years, she and her spouse are expecting a child. She shows up out of the blue for a visit and behaves as though her unpleasant actions had never occurred. It has been difficult, but I made the decision to embrace her and gave it my best.
I’ve come to the realization that I don’t really like her. She is self-centered and cunning, and she only confides in me when she needs something. Over the years, I’ve been the gullible one who lavished her and her family with cash and pricey goods. I spent months nursing her father back to health when he became very ill recently. She never checked in with me and didn’t talk to him very often. This person only likes the benefits; they don’t like me either. Knowing this, I’ve emotionally moved on once more. This endeavor has freed me, but it has also made me feel guilty. Any suggestions?
Dad’s Wife
Stories by
R. Eric Thomas
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Asking Eric: I m embarrassed by amount of food my friend takes home from our annual Thanksgiving meal
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Asking Eric: Widowed musician wants to share songs about his new love, but his family isn t ready
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Asking Eric: Hearing-impaired guest feels he s wasting his time at group get togethers
To My Wife: There are the relationships you both presently have, the one she wants with you, and the one you would like to have with her. Those don’t seem to line up. You may be feeling guilty because you think that you could have the connection you desire if you had done something differently or had given her more time or patience. That makes sense, but it’s not a given.
Furthermore, it ignores the type of relationship that her behavior suggests she desires.
One thing I m not seeing here is a conversation about the harm done in the past. It is acceptable to remark, “I know you were grieving, but we should talk about some things that weren’t right so we can move on.”
But she and you have to be open to the vulnerability and the rebuilding that is required. It sounds like that s just not where either of you are. Mostly what you re being liberated from is your unmet expectation. Acknowledge the reality that the semi-distant relationship you have may be what s best for both of you right now. You can remain open to the possibility of more but remember that more requires effort on both sides.
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