To All Readers: We appreciate all of your comments on Letting Go Is Hard to Do. Our readers are unquestionably amazing parents. Two of my favorite letters are shown here.To Annie, please: This is in response to Letting Go Is Hard to Do, who, after seeing a dubious bank transaction, was concerned about the decisions her daughter would be making in college.In addition, I am the mother of a college-age child. Since my kid was a senior in high school, we have maintained a joint account.I vowed not to let our shared checking account serve as a window into his personal life. I promise you that it is really difficult to avoid looking, particularly while I am sending funds to his account. I turn aside and cover my eyes if his spending information appears.I never disclosed to him that I had a don’t-see-don’t-tell trust in place. He is highly self-reliant, and he would have begun to distrust me if I had raised any doubts. Teens always manage to get around obstacles by pulling money out of their accounts and using it for such purposes, or using the money to purchase a Visa gift card.As they age, it becomes simpler to avoid looking. I urge you to consider why you should examine her spending habits. For a good four or five years, my son was not an angel. However, he now has faith in me, and he turns to me for guidance, comfort, and to calm his concerns when the really difficult or significant things happen. When your bird flies, you will be rewarded with honesty and trust if you loosen up a bit. — Trust and MoneyTo Annie, please: In my response to the mother who is worried about her 18-year-old daughter effectively just being an 18-year-old away at college, I want to be as courteous as possible.With all due respect, Letting Go — because you sound like a great mom and you seem to have a good bond with your daughter — maybe drop the God s gift talk, stop thinking about what your religion teaches about birth control and just ask your kid if she s OK and let her know you re there to talk.She may not be as interested as you are in what God and your religious community s leadership thinks about her sex life. You are both human and in love with one another here on Earth. Take the lead on that.In terms of sex addiction and so-called addictive behaviors, aka symptoms of a disease called addiction, which aren t behaviors in an addict but rather compulsions, again, be honest. Address it directly. Don t minimize it if you re truly worried.And if you re not, let her live her life and keep your opinions to yourself. You can either have a relationship that is close, honest and real or have some mix of hope, denial and religious idealism. But the half-measure of trying to have both almost guarantees the first will be lost, which would be a shame.Keep your life between you and God, her life between you and her, and trust God to know how to handle the rest. God is too busy caring for billions of souls to really care much about birth control and sex toys. Take God s lead. — Dad of a Teen, Too
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