Greetings, Abby My husband is a miserable man. Since his dismissal from his more than 25-year work five years ago, his minor problems with depression, alcoholism, and smoking have grown significantly. He rarely eats, takes a shower only twice or three times a week, sleeps until ten or eleven in the morning, and is always holding a drink by four or five o’clock in the evening. Despite having COPD currently, he has no intention of quitting smoking. He would never think about going to therapy.My husband is almost recognizable because he has dropped so much muscle mass and weight. He seemed to miss having sex, yet his lack of physicality would make it unpleasant even if he made an approach. In any case, I have lost interest. Although he was never affectionate, he now has bad personal hygiene, and his hands and breath both smell like smoke and alcohol.He finds it difficult to leave the comforts of his home. He struggles with stairs, long walks, and even placing restaurant orders. He seems to be attempting to speed up his own demise. I genuinely believe that I have already done everything I can. I’m numb, but I’m fine. What guidance would you provide me? — UNSUCCESSFUL IN KANSASDEAR HOPELESS: It appears like your hubby doesn’t have anything to live for. You said that although he seems to miss having sex, you are no longer interested in him because of his current state of health. Have you explained to him that he is no longer the person you fell in love with and that seeing a doctor about his depression would be a huge start in the right direction? If he says no, think about giving him that carrot. You may feel differently if he is prepared to make an effort to get back on track.There are nicotine substitutes for the truly addicted, which help users inhale fewer damaging byproducts. Supplemental oxygen can help people with COPD get some exercise; this is something that should be discussed with his doctor as well. In the end, though, your husband must WANT to help himself. If he doesn t, it may be time for you to locate the nearest Al-Anon group (al-anon.org/info) and attend some meetings, which will help you to recognize that his self-destructive behavior is not your responsibility and only he can help himself.
Stories by
Abigail Van Buren
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Greetings, Abby After becoming a widow, a longtime buddy no longer has the leisure to stay in touch. I’ve sent her supportive notes and invited her to dinner and coffee. She has other social obligations and waits days or even weeks for a response. I can relate to sadness and loss, but this seems wrong. With a rigid arm, leave. I suppose it’s time to leave. Correct? — UNEXPECTED IN INDIANADEAR UNEXPECTED: You may have been overwhelming this woman in your attempt to comfort her. Depending on how long ago she lost her husband, it may be better for you to step back and allow her to regain her balance. The more you push her, the further she will distance herself.
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