Greetings, Miss Manners Like many others, I can only put up with my mother-in-law for brief periods of time. For background, aside from the document, my partner and I are essentially married and live together. Additionally, this woman is not his real mother; she is his stepmother.
When she says hello or goodbye, she gives my lover a kiss on the lips. That doesn’t sit well with me at all. I’ve expressed my displeasure to my lover, but he frequently forgets.
Additionally, she invites my 2-year-old grandchild to kiss her on the lips, which is again inappropriate in my opinion. He is at the age where we are attempting to teach him that he is free to refuse to give others hugs and kisses. In particular, the kissing. She is not his immediate family, therefore that is for them.
Once, when using the restroom, she took him with her—completely inappropriate! Even though I’m his grandmother, I won’t let him in with me. How should this be handled, in your opinion?
PERSONAL READER: It appears that Miss Manners is only willing to support you on one of the two concerns at hand.
It is inappropriate to give someone a lip-kiss if they do not want one. You don’t have to participate, of course, but if your guy is cool with it, then so be it. All you can do is keep letting him know how uncomfortable you are and hope he’ll remember.
Regarding your grandson, he will soon be able to make the choice on his own if you educate him how to set his own boundaries. That’s probably the only thing you can do.
But you seem to have another agenda, which weakens your case — namely, making this more about the fact that the woman is not biologically related to your boyfriend or your grandson. Although you don’t say how long the connection lasted, your boyfriend and the stepmother might view her as a long-standing family member.
She might also think that she has the right to assist with potty training because she is a de facto grandparent. That you find this kind of intimacy unsavory is valid, but you must make it egalitarian. There are plenty of cases where blood relatives are equally out of bounds. Consent, not familial hierarchy, is the true problem.
In other words, unwelcome kissing is a serious enough problem in and of itself. Do not weaken it by suggesting that there is, ahem, a pecking order to its suitability.
Stories by
Judith Martin
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Miss Manners: I know correcting my friend is rude, but how do I avoid being a party to her rudeness?
Greetings, Miss Manners I am the mother of a trans man who transitioned in his 30s. When people I haven t seen for a while ask about my daughter, I of course tell them that he is now a man.
I ve been asked what surgeries he has had, and several people have even asked me if he has a penis! I was so surprised the first time this happened that I was speechless, and then I said, I don t actually know.
I am not sure how to respond the next time.
GENTLE READER: I do not talk about my child s private parts.
You could add, Nor would you, I hope, but Miss Manners fears that someone who is brazen enough to ask might be all too ready to share.
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